Ok, so I work in the Computer/Electronics department at a major office supply store, and alot of people seem to think we're there just for their free tech support. One of these days, like on my last day, when someone calls with a support question, I'm going to go off... "Yeah, I know how to fix that, but why the fuck should I tell you, you cheap motherfucker. Go call real tech support like everyone else does. We sell computers and office equipment, not offer free tech support to stupid fuckers like you!" Agh. I mean, this store was here in this town for about 3 years before I started working there, and never once when I had a problem with my computer did I think of calling them. So if any of you reading this have called a retail store for a computer problem, then fuck off, we're not tech support. Over the almost 3 years that I've worked there, I've gotten plenty of these dumb fucks, but only recently started documenting them (unless they were so good that I remembered them). My all-time favorite though is "So is this computer faster than the internet?" Now I'm not knocking on these people for not knowing everything about computers. No no, as you'll see, these are all common sense things that anyone who owns a computer should know -- and anyone that doesn't, deserves my ridicule.
Me: This is Mike, how can I help you?
Caller: Yeah, we have an old umm....what's it called? .... an old monitor. How much are the hard drives? Can you buy just the hard drive?
Me: Yeah, but all you have is the monitor? Do you mean you need the computer?
Caller: No no, just the hard drive.
Me: Ok, they run from $79 to about $199.
Caller: And you can plug any monitor and keyboard into that?
Me: Well, no. This is just the hard drive, a piece inside the computer, not the whole computer. See, I thought you were talking about the whole computer, not just the hard drive.
Caller: Oh...ok....
Me: Our computers start at $469 though.
Caller: Wow! That much?! Just for the thing you put the disks into?
Me: Yeah, that's the computer, the brains of the machine...without that, you would essentially just have a useless tv screen. It's not just something to put disks into.
Caller: Oh...ok, bye.
Caller: Do you have software that'll let you burn DVD's off the internet?
Me: No, that would be illegal.
Caller: Do you know of any place that would?
Me: No.
Caller: Huh...I wonder why I can't find anything like that anywhere.
Me: Probably because, like I just said, it's illegal.
Caller: Yeah, I probably gotta look around on the internet, huh?
Me: Possibly, I really don't know...again, it's illegal, so I don't know.
Customer: Can you play the uhh games with the uhh video in these laptops?
Me: The games with the video...?
Customer: Yeah, you know, the games that have the video in them.
Me: Ok, you lost me, I have no idea what you're talking about.
Customer: Oh, you know, the uhhh play-one-station and play-two-station games.
Me: OH! You mean Playstation and Playstation 2?
Customer: Yeah, yeah.
Me: No no, you can only play those in the system they were meant for. Just cause they're on a CD, it doesn't mean you can use them in anything that has a CD drive. That would be like trying to play a Playstation 2 game in an X-Box.
Customer: *confused look* Oh, ok.
Me: This is Mike, how can I help you?
Caller: Yeah, this is [inaudible] (it's an old guy that mutters), I got my, you know, my hard drive back and I need t-t-the uhh Canton numbers....for uhh the Paris [inaudible]...
Me: Huh? What do you need?
Caller: You know [inaudible] those uhh numbers so I don't have to call long distance...you know, there were 4 in Canton.
Me: For what service? MSN?
Caller: Huh?
Me: For MSN? Microsoft Network?
Caller: Yeah yeah, I need those numbers.
Me: Oh, I don't have those right here, give me a minute to look them up. Did you lose that sheet we gave you when you signed up that had the numbers on it?
Caller: Oh, I got it around here somewhere, I figured I'd just call you guys. Can't you just gimme the numbers?
Me: Yeah, I just said it'll take me a minute to look it up, but it'd be easier if you just had that sheet still.
Caller: I DON'T HAVE IT IN FRONT OF ME, GOD DAMMIT! JUST GIVE ME THE FUCKING NUMBERS!
Me: Whoa, hey, I don't have it in front of me either, I said I'm looking it up.
Caller: Every time I call up there, y-y-you guys g-g-give me a hard time, but you don't know shit!
Me: Sir, I said I'm looking it up....do you expect me to have every MSN number memorized?
Caller: You assholes always shout like you know everything, but you don't know shit! GOOD...BYE! *click*
Me: This is Mike, How can I help you?
Caller: Yeah, I need to get on the internet, but I don't have a modem. Do you guys have a CD that will put a modem in my computer?
Me: .................... Umm, no. A modem isn't software, it's hardware, it's a piece of equipment you have to install inside your computer.
Caller: Are you sure? Someone told me I have to download it off of a CD.
Me: Yes, I'm sure, I've been doing this for quite awhile. What they're probably talking about is the CD you get with the modem, you have to install that in order for the modem to work.
Caller: No no, that wasn't it.
Me: This is Mike, how can I help you?
Caller: Hi, how much is Windows 2003?
Me: Hmm...there's no such thing as Windows 2003.
Caller: There isn't?
Me: No, there's Windows XP, ME, 98...
Caller: Yeah, that one.
Me: What? XP?
Caller: Yeah, that's what I meant.
Me: Ok, did you want the Home or Professional version? Full or upgrade?
Caller: Huh?
...And you get the point.
Me: This is Mike, how can I help you?
Caller: Yeah, I think I have a problem with my computer.
Me: Ok...
Caller: Well, you know that tray that opens when you hit the button?
Me: The CD-Rom?
Caller: I think so. Well, I put a disc in and now it won't open.
Me: You push the button and it doesn't come back out? Hmmm, is there a little green light on beside the button?
Caller: Yeah it's on....but I think I may have put the wrong kind of disc in there.
Me: Why do you say that?
Caller: Well I had to sort of jam the thing in there, it didn't seem to fit right.
Me: That's weird, there's only two sizes of CD's and they both fit in any CD-Rom. What did it look like?
Caller: It was gray, about 3 or 4 inches wide...ummm...it had like a metal clip on one side of it.
*at this point I almost burst out laughing*
Me: Ma'am, you put a floppy disk in your CD-Rom drive. They're not supposed to go in there, they have their own slot that they fit perfectly into, it's usually right below your CD drive.
Caller: So how can I get that out of there?
Me: Is there a little hole, only about big enough for a paper clip to fit into? That's sort of an emergency eject button.
Caller: No, I don't see one.
Me: Well, then you're either going to have to pry it open somehow, or you're going to have to buy a new CD-Rom.
Lastly, this is a section of common mispronunciations I hear all the time. Everytime I hear one of these, I wanna smack the person and ask them "Do you not know how to read!?" Ugh.
Hewlett-Packard:
Heely-Packard
Hewett-Packard
Howlett-Uhhh...
Packard-Bell
Hue-Packer
Hubert-Packard
Packled-Howard
Epson:
Eperson
Emerson
Epsom
Emson
Espon
Exxon
Lexmark:
Lexmars
Lenmark
Lemarks
Leemax
Lexicon
Landmarks
Bose:
Bozey
Boss
McAfee:
Mickuhfee
McFee
McAff
PNY:
Pony
Imation:
Imitation
