Clerks:

Randal: An embolism in a pool.
Dante: An embarrassing way to die.
Randal: That's nothing compared to how my cousin Walter died.
Dante: How'd he die?
Randal: He broke his neck.
Dante: That's embarrassing?
Randal: He broke his neck trying to suck his own dick.

Coroner: I can't say for certain until we get him back to the lab, but my guess is he was masterbating, his heart seized and he died. That's when the girl found him.
Randal: This has gotta be the weirdest thing you've ever been called in on.
Coroner: Actually, I once had to tag a kid that broke his neck trying to put his mouth on his penis.

Dante: Thirty seven! My girlfriend sucked 37 dicks!
Customer: In a row?

Dante: Making a male climax is not all that challenging: insert somewhere close and preferably moist; thrust; repeat. Now, making a woman cum...therein lies a challenge. A girl makes a guy cum, it's standard. A guy makes a girl cum, it's talent.

Jay: Shit, my grandma used to say,"which is better: a good plate with nothing on it..." No, wait, I fucked up. She said "What's a good-looking plate with nothing on it?"
Dante: Meaning?
Jay: I don't know. She was senile and shit. Used to piss herself all the time

Randal: People say crazy shit during sex. One time I called this girl "Mom."

Mallrats:

Brodie: One time my cousin Walter got this cat stuck up his ass, true story, he bought it at our local mall so the whole fiasco wound up on the news. It was embarrassing for my relatives and all but the next week he did again, a different cat, same results, complete with another trip to the emergency room. So I run into him a week later in the mall and he's buying another cat. So I say to him, "Jesus, Walt what are you doing? You know you're just going to get this cat stuck up your ass." And he said to me, "Brodie? How else am I going to get the gerbil out?" My cousin was a weird guy.

Brodie: Okay, so you can't scream at him, but after all he's done to you, you should still kind of stick it to him.
TS: How do you propose I do that?
Brodie: You stink palm him.
TS: What's a stink palm?
Brodie: You take your hand and stick it in your ass, like this, you've been walking around all day and you're also nervous, so no doubt you'll be sweaty as hell.
TS: You should see yourself right now, a grown man with his hand down his pants.
Brodie: Yeah, I probably look like my old man....there...now, you shake hands with the guy, "Hey, Mr. Svenning, how have you been?"
TS: What's the point?
Brodie: You know how long it takes for that smell to come off? Scrub all you like, it'll stick around for at least two days. How does he explain it to his colleagues and family? They'll think he does'nt know how to wipe his ass properly.
TS: Meanwhile, you yourself are left with a hand that smells like shit.
Brodie: Small price to pay for the sliming of one's enemies.

Brodie: You know about this game show thing they've got going on down here? We need you to somehow ensure that it doesn't happen
Jay: Is that it? We were gonna do that anyway.
Brodie: Really? Why?
Jay: What else are we gonna do?

Jay: Phase one, first you take a run at LaFours with a sock full of quarters, I'd do it, but I pulled my back out humping your mom last night. Noonch. Okay, you clock him on his head piece and knock his ass out cold. That's when phase two kicks in. I attack the structure Wolvie Beserk style and knock out the fucking pin and bickety bam the mother fucker is rubble. Hence no game show.

Jay: Okay, Lunchbox, let's try this again. We tie you to the roof and you jump off and set like a spitfire passing right over the arch nemesis LaFours. You then swing up to the stage and knock out the pin. And when that's gone the stage is trashed and we go smoke a bowl. You got it? Now get your fat ass up there. And dude don't forget your helmet, snoogans.

Chasing Amy:

Banky: Archie, all right? Archie and the Rivierdale gang were a pure and fun-lovin' bunch. You can't find dysfunction in those comics, because they were just flat out wholesome.
Hooper: Archie and Jughead were lovers.
Banky: Shut the fuck up.
Hooper: It's true. Archie was the bitch and Jughead was the butch- that's why Jughead wears that crown-looking hat all the time:he's the king of queen Archie's world.
Banky: Man, I feel a hate crime coming on.
Holden: He has a point. Archie never did settle on Betty or Veronica.
Banky: Beacause he wanted them both at the same time, you assholes! He never chose one because he was trying to get both of them into a three-way.

Banky: Since you like chicks, right....do you just look at yourself naked in the mirror all the time?

Jay: So why the long face, Horse? Banky on the rag?
Holden: I'm just having some girl troubles.
Jay: Bitch pressing charges? I get that a lot.

Holden: You sound like Barbra Streisand.
Jay: That's cause I got this tubby bitch playing her greatest hits tape in my ear all the time. You should see him: she starts singing "You Don't Bring Me Flowers", this faggot starts crying like a little girl with a skinned knee and shit. It's embarrassing.

Dogma:

Jay: If you know so much, tell me something about myself.
Rufus: You masturbate more than anyone else on the planet.
Jay: Shit, everyone knows that. Tell me something else.
Rufus: When you do it, you're thinking about guys.
[Silent Bob starts to look freaked out.]
Jay: [to Bob] Dude, not ALL the time!

Bethany: Then - I don't mean to sound ungrateful - but what are you doing hanging around?
Jay: We're here to pick up chicks.
Bethany: Excuse me?
Jay: We figure an abortion clinic is a good place to meet loose women. Why else would they be there unless they like to fuck?

Rufus: You know what the dead do with most of their time? They watch the living. Especially in the shower.
Jay: I can't wait to die.

The Princess Bride:

Prince Humperdinck: Surrender!
Westley: You mean you wish to surrender to me? Very well, I accept...

Fezzik: You just shook your head! That doesn't make you happy?
Westley: My brains, his steel and your strength against sixty men and you think a little head jiggle is supposed to make me happy? Hmm?? I mean if we only had a wheelbarrow, that would be something.

Inigo Montoya: I donna suppose you coulda speed things up??
Westley: If you're in such a hurry, you could lower a rope or a tree branch or find something useful to do.
Inigo Montoya: I could do that. I have some rope up here, but I do not think you would accept my help, since I am only only waiting around to kill you.
Westley: That does put a damper on our relationship.

Westley: There's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. 'Twould be a pity to damage yours.

Trainspotting:

Tommy: Useless motherfucker -- THAT'S what she called me! "It's either ME or Iggy Pop!" she says.
Spud: So what're you gonna do?
Tommy: Well I already bought the fucking tickets!

Begbie : Armed robbery? With a replica? How can it be armed robbery? It's a fucking scandal.

Renton : What's on the menu this evening?
Swanney : Your favourite dish.
Renton : Excellent.
Swanney : Your usual table, sir?
Renton : Why, thank you. Renton sits on his usual cushion on the floor.
Swanney : And would sir care to settle his bill in advance?
Renton : Stick it on my tab.
Swanney : Regret to inform, sir, that your credit limit was reached and breached a long time ago.
Renton : In that case --
Swanney : Oh, hard currency, why, sir, that'll do nicely. Can't be too careful when we're dealing with your type, can we? Would sir care for a starter? Some garlic bread perhaps?
Renton : No, thank you. I'll proceed directly to the intravenous injection of hard drugs, please.
Swanney : As you wish.

So I Married an Axe Murderer:

Charlie Mackenzie: Dad, how can you hate "The Colonel"?
Stuart Mackenzie: Because he puts a secret ingredient in his chicken that makes ya crave it fortnightly, smartass!

Charlie Mackenzie: You know, Scotland has its own martial arts. Yeah, it's called Fuck You. It's mostly just head butting and then kicking people when they're on the ground.

Stuart Mackenzie: Would ya look at the size of that kid's head! It's the size of a planetoid and it has it's own weather system! Looks like an orange on a toothpick!

Stuart Mackenzie: I'm not kidding, that boy's head is like Sputnik; spherical but quite pointy at parts! Aye, now that was offsides, now wasn't it? He'll be crying himself to sleep tonight, on his huge pillow.

SLC Punk:

Stevo: This actually needs some explanation. Beer in Supermarkets in Utah is weak, 3 points instead of the normal 6 points of alchohol. It's the religious influence, and a pain in the ass. Now to me it makes no sense. If you've got alchohol, you've got alchohol. So why 3 instead of 6? You know a drunk's just going to drink twice as many beers to get drunk, so you not only have a drunk on your hands, you have a drunk who's fat and gross. There's nothing worse.

Stevo: Poseurs are people that look like punks, but they did it for fashion. And they were fools, they'd say, "Anarchy in the UK". See? Poseurs. What good is that to those of us in Utah, America? You don't live your life by lyrics.

Stevo: Another thing that pissed me off, talkin' about who started punk rock music. Was it Sex Pistols in England? Was it the Ramones in the Velvet Underground in New York? 'It was the Ramones!' 'It was the Sex Pistols!' Raahh! Who cares who started it?! It's music. I don't know who started it, and I don't give a shit. The one thing I do know is that we did it harder, we did it faster, and we definitely did it with more love, baby. You can't take that away from us.

Go:

Ronna: You know what makes it even better? If you take like a lot of pot with it. I mean like, like a lot of pot. [Selling allergy medicine as drugs]

Burke: I just want to make a deal. Can we make a deal?
Ronna: Who the hell are you? Monty Hall?

Todd: You come to me out of the blue, asking to buy 20 hits of ecstasy. Just so happens that 20 being the magic number at which intent to sell becomes trafficking!
Ronna: Todd, I would never fuck you like that.
Todd: How would you fuck me?

Tiny: Yo, I told you, my mother's mother's mother was black!
Marcus: Man, if you were any less black you'd be clear.

Office Space:

Bob: You've been missing quite a bit of work lately.
Peter: Well, I wouldn't say that I've been actually MISSING it, Bob.

Samir: [on his last name] I don't understand what is so hard: Nayee-Nanajar. Nayeenanajar.
Michael Bolton: Yeah, well at least your name isn't Michael Bolton!
Samir: There is nothing wrong with that name.
Michael Bolton: There was nothing wrong with that name, until that no talent ass-clown started selling records!

Peter Gibbons: What would you do if you had a million dollars?
Lawrence: I'll tell you what I'd do, man, two chicks at the same time, man.
Peter Gibbons: That's it? If you had a million dollars, you'd do two chicks at the same time?
Lawrence: Damn straight. I always wanted to do that, man. And I think if I had a million dollars I could hook that up, cause chicks dig a dude with money.
Peter Gibbons: Well, not all chicks.
Lawrence: Well the kind of chicks that'd double up on me do.
Peter Gibbons: Good point.
Lawrence: What about you, what would you do?
Peter Gibbons: Besides two chicks at the same time?
Lawrence: Well yeah.
Peter Gibbons: Nothing.
Lawrence: Nothing, huh?
Peter Gibbons: I'd relax, sit on my ass all day, I would do nothing.
Lawrence: Well you don't need a million dollars to do nothing, man. Just take a look at my cousin, he's broke, don't do shit.

Peter Gibbons: I don't like my job and I don't think I'm going to go anymore.
Joanna: You're just not going to go?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Joanna: Won't you get fired?
Peter Gibbons: I don't know. But I really don't like it and I'm not going to go.
Joanna: So you're going to quit?
Peter Gibbons: Nuh-uh. Not really. I'm just going to stop going.
Joanna: When did you decide all that?
Peter Gibbons: About an hour ago.
Joanna: So you're going to get another job?
Peter Gibbons: I don't think I'll like another job.
Joanna: Well what are you going to do about money? Bills?
Peter Gibbons: You know I never really liked paying bills, I don't think I'm going to do that either.

Michael Bolton: We're not going to some white collar resort prison. No, no, no! We're going to federal POUND ME IN THE ASS prison!